DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND THE IMPORTANCE OF CALLING THE POLICE

I have had a few of my boyfriends and also my ex-husband who have gotten physically violent with me.

The first was a man I dated in college. He held me at gunpoint and threatened to either kill me or rape me. The SWAT team came in before he could do either because a neighbor in the apartment complex had done the right thing. She notified the police when she heard me screaming.

The second was my ex-husband who choked me when he became enraged at me. I didn’t call the police. I should have. I don’t know if he would have been arrested or not.

When he knocked the mirror off of my car in a rage after we had been separated I filed charges against him but dropped the charges when he agreed to have the mirror replaced.

It sickens me to think that I filed charges regarding my car but failed to file charges when it came to my safety.

The third was a man I dated for two and a half years. He was an alcoholic and although he didn’t beat me I was savvy enough to know that he had the personality of an abuser.

Last night I heard the story of another victim of domestic violence at the legal clinic. She had been married to her husband for 24 years and had suffered abuse by him. She also did not call the police. Now they are getting divorced and she is making allegations of domestic violence but without a police report they may not hold water in the courts.

Women if a man lays a hand on you in anger, violence or frustration it is HIS problem NOT yours! Call the police. It is important to have it documented. In my experience the man usually blames the woman for his anger and physical abuse. In no way is a woman responsible for domestic violence. Get out of the relationship and go to a safe place. The number for the Safe Haven which is associated with the Women’s Center in Fort Worth, TX is 877-701-7233.

If you don’t protect yourself you may not be able to protect your children.


Women’s center legal clinic visit.

I just returned home from the legal clinic at the women’s center. All I needed to know was how to file a bill of review regarding my case since an AG employee told me that the case against my ex-husband and all of the back child support he owed me had been closed. The man said he had never filed a bill of review. I told him that was ok I could do that, all he had to do was look at the AG list of motions and tell me which one had closed my case. He couldn’t tell me and kept trying to distract himself with the recent case history which had nothing to do with my ex-husband’s lack of child support.

The lady at the Attorney General’s office said I could not go back after my ex-husband for back child support because the case was closed but if the case is closed why is the cause number still the same? If the case was closed then why couldn’t that lawyer tell me exactly which order had closed the case. I am thinking that someone is lying to me and if there is anything at all I hate it is when a person lies to me.

Don’t ditch your kids for a date

Raising three young toddlers and working thirty-two hours on the weekends left little time for a social life.

I was attending a church with a single’s group when I was newly divorced. I  had my share of invitations to go out on dates.

I had one standing rule for those men. If it they wanted to see me when I had the children, they could guess again. It just wasn’t going to happen. I dated quite a bit but always worked it around my children’s schedule and when they would be at their father’s house.

I had a terrific babysitter, she was about thirty five miles from my house.  Even if she had been next door I wouldn’t have used her to go out on a date.

I analyzed what had went into this decision. I realized as hard as it was to be a single mom it was also one of the funnest things I had ever done. The dates, well… not so much.

So when one of my guy friends from church called me up and asked me to lunch one day when my youngest son was  home, I said “No, I don’t ditch my kids for a date.”  That became my motto for that time in my life.

Looking back I don’t miss even one of those men whom I dated or who wanted to date me. If my kids were estranged from me or if anything tragic happened to them, I would miss them like crazy. I think I may have made the right decision. This decision may be the reason why I am still satisfied and single also. 🙂

It is not right…

PROVERBS 18:5 -IT IS NOT RIGHT TO ACQUIT THE GUILTY, NOR TO DENY JUSTICE TO THE INNOCENT.

Whenever I take a step in my life which may open a door to conflict, or may be viewed as a misstep by most people, I always search the Bible for a verse of confirmation. Proverbs 18:5 is the verse I found when seeking God about the court battle I have been fighting for the past 4 years. As I am revisiting what I consider an unjust system and corrupt system I keep this verse in the forefront of my mind.

When my daughter asked to move back in with me so that she could go back to college again I used a verse in Isaiah which said “not to hide from your relatives when they are in need.”

Has it been easy to have my 21-year old daughter live with me? No, not really. It has been difficult for both of us and walking the tightrope of an adult child moving back in is a definite balancing act. I am still not sure I have achieved the balance.

So I hold on to that verse knowing that although I am obeying God’s word, it may not be an easy walk in the park. If I am a Christian is obedience to His word and direction important? I think it is vitally important.

The Bible is full of contradictions and opposing messages but when you seek God with an open heart he will show you the verse which will give you direction. Then it is your decision whether or not you obey.  I have found that obedience can sometimes be the most difficult path to choose. Although difficult, it may be the only path which will bless others as well as yourself.

Is a Father important to a child’s self esteem?

Just yesterday I was commenting on another single mom’s post and the comment opened an unusual door for me to my ex-husband. A door of gratitude. She and also some of my good women friends have experienced ex-husbands who were unreliable, absent and inconsistent in their children’s lives.

I remembered when my ex-husband left and the profound emotional effect it had on my three year old son. He kept saying after his father left that “Nobody loved him.” It broke my heart. I knew I loved him.

I remember one day while in his bedroom he said something in relation to his father and his feelings of being unloved. I called his father immediately and his father set a time up to be with this son. In addition to this his father had the children visit him every weekend. He didn’t take them on extended holidays but I didn’t want him to. It was hard enough for me to have them go there every weekend.

My son kept saying that “nobody loved him”, even after his father made an effort to spend extra time with him. I wanted to know just how deep this feeling was in my son and I knew that I would have to somehow tap into his subconscious to see if it was just a surface emotion or a deep seated void.

I did it one night when he was walking past me as i was sitting on the couch. I said “I love you,” as he walked on by. He replied “I love you too,” then stopped himself and said “You don’t love me no one does.” But I knew I had touched his inner being and that little boy knew without a doubt that he was loved and that he could also love  back.

Did my ex-husband hurt my children  by moving out and leaving me for another woman? Yes, he did, but he could have done a lot worse if he had abandoned the children or been unreliable.

Phonics – is it the best way to teach reading?

I learned how to read using whole word reading.

All of my children learned how to read using phonics. The oldest two didn’t have a problem with that method of reading. The youngest had a big problem with it.

He also had a bit of a speech impairment and so the school had him in speech therapy. Over time the speech difficulty resolved.

He struggled while in elementary school and as a result he was put in summer school. The teacher that taught him in summer school taught whole word reading and he said he learned more in that 6 weeks of summer school than he had learned in school the whole year.
He finally  mastered reading  and is now a Honor Society member as he enters his senior year.

I was wondering if any other parent had a child who had difficulty with phonics? Could it possibly be a difficult concept for a child with a speech impairment to grasp

DIVORCE, JOINT CONSERVATORSHIP and INCOMPETENT LAWYERS.

I got divorced in 1998. I had a two sons, ages one and three and a five year old daughter.

My ex-husband wanted me to pay him 20,000$ in the divorce settlement. Apparently since I was keeping the house he thought he had a right to that amount. I had two problems with that. First problem was that it had been my Father and I who had purchased the house and second problem was that  I didn’t have that kind of money.

We had several heated conversations about the divorce and a friend of mine suggested I start taping any phone calls with him. In one phone call, my ex-husband threatened my life.  Fortunately I had taped that phone call.  I handed that tape to my lawyer and soon the settlement amount dropped to $5,000.

My lawyer drew up papers for joint conservatorship. It was not what most people would consider joint custody. My ex only took my children on the weekends and that only lasted until my daughter became a teenager.

If my lawyer was any good when my ex-husband threatened my welfare, red flags should have been waving. Any threat or evidence of violence can be considered a contraindication to joint conservatorship.

If my lawyer would have asked me, I would have admitted to several incidents of my husband choking me and slapping me.

The court was supposed to use the following statements as a guide to award joint conservatorship:

  • Children should have frequent and continuing contact with parents who have shown an ability to act in the best interest of the child;
  • Children should grow in a safe, stable and nonviolent environment;

Since my lawyer did not look out for the best interest of my children. I was the one who had to confront my ex about his anger issues.

One confrontation occurred when my children said that my ex would throw my youngest son into bed at night. This brought back horrible memories of one night when my ex had thrown my daughter into bed so hard that I ordered him out of the room because he was crazy and I was scared he was going to kill her.

I confronted him about this response to my youngest son’s  desire to sleep in bed with him. My ex-husband’s response to this was to cuss me out.

The other time was when friends of mine told me that they noticed that his second wife smelled of alcohol when she picked my kids up from different events.

I called him on the phone to relay this bit of information to him. He denied that his second wife drank at all. I told him “I didn’t care if she drank but she had better not have my kids in the car if she did.”  Ten years later I heard from my ex-husband that his second wife, whom he had already divorced, had committed suicide. Guess how she did it? She overdosed on alcohol.

In 1998 I had no idea of the laws that were written to protect me and my children. I apparently had hired a worthless lawyer who just wanted the money and didn’t really care about the welfare of my children.

Internet was a foreign concept to me then. I was too busy working thirty-two hours on the weekend and coming home to raise three toddlers to even think or have the energy to fight a system, which I know now is corrupt and broken.

For those who want to look up the specifics of joint conservatorship go to Family Law Code of Texas and it is 153.00 which specifies the requirements for Joint Conservatorship.

Bullying – How to stop it dead in its tracks

My youngest son was only five years old. He was in kindergarten and he had a hard time learning the alphabet and had some difficulty learning how to read. He also had a slight speech impediment. Despite these impairments he seemed to be getting along well in school and I wasn’t worried. Then one day he came home and told me that another boy was pushing him against the wall and choking him.

I immediately called his father. One of many times that his father failed in his parental role. He told me that I should just leave it alone. He was a boy and boys just did that. I was enraged.

I didn’t know exactly how to handle it  but pretty soon a situation presented itself in which I was called to school because apparently my son had gotten into trouble. 

I went to school and I still couldn’t tell you why they called me but I knew if I was there I was going to use it to my advantage. I was going to tell the kindergarten teacher about the fourth grader who was bullying my son. I told her I didn’t know which kid it was but someone was bullying my son.

That teacher asked my son who it was that had done this to him. He identified the kid and then she pulled him into her class and humiliated him in front of my son. She said she almost had him in tears. That stopped the bullying. My son never complained about it again. 

That teacher not only protected my son but also taught that fourth grader that picking on a little kid isn’t the way to pretend your tough. 

Bullying can be stopped if the adults who see it happening intervene and do what this teacher did. If more teachers responded like this I doubt that bullying would be the problem that it is today. It takes just one smart teacher to stop a bully.