SHOULD YOU BETRAY YOURSELF IN THE PURSUIT OF LOVE?

I have learned so much from relationships. The last long term relationship I had lasted four and a half years.

Throughout the relationship I noticed several things happening.

He was always the one who chose where we went and what we did. The few times I chose the location for our dates he had “attitude.”

He was very insecure and if I didn’t  worship the ground he walked on, he would stomp out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

He threw three temper tantrums in public, probably more, which would have beat any two year olds’  tantrum hands down.

He had road rage. It made it very uncomfortable for me to drive anywhere with him. I confronted him about this but he refused to change.

I started walking on egg shells. Trying not to get him upset. I stopped confronting him. I gave up all of the things I wanted to go to. I did this to please him, yet he remained temperamental and unhappy.

I felt torn inside. He was  good to me in some ways, but there was something wrong. I could feel it. Something was changing and I didn’t like the change. I was starting to lose me. Becoming a shadow of him and dimming the limelight I had once been.

One of my girlfriends put it so well when she said, ” When I first met you, you were vibrant and alive. He is stealing you little by little and you are not the same person you were when we met.”

I could tell she missed me. I missed myself more.

During those years I gave up my writing. I tried to write but every time I asked to have a weekend at home alone he would accuse me of cheating on him. So I stopped asking for that time.

Last October I finally confronted him about the future of our relationship. I found out he wanted me to sell my house. That was the only thing I had left, which I loved, that was mine.

I ended the relationship.

I began the process of trying to find myself.

I found that writing is my avenue for self discovery. It is a breathtaking, beautiful path back to me.

It is where I play with words, hoping that they will explode with the brilliance of wisdom.

However, words which are written bear no worth unless they are read.

For all of you who have taken time out of your day to view my blog I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Every view, every comment, every follower, every re-blog is grabbing me by the hand and pulling back into the comfort of self acceptance.

I am so grateful for each and every one of you.

I hope that in some small way you are blessed, and your life is enhanced by the words that I write.

More than that, I hope you never betray yourself in the pursuit of love. Anyone who truly loves you should never force you to do that anyway.

“PSEUDO-MARRIAGE” – IS IT A CAGE?

I have been in exclusive relationships almost all of my life. Of those relationships the one that stands out in my mind as being the sweetest, is one in which an exclusive agreement was not actually ever spoken.

I was fourteen when I met that man. My mother had arranged for us to meet. He was tall, good looking and sweet as honey.

I met him at the County Fair. We started dating that year and continued off and on for eight years. He was my high school sweetheart.

It was a long distance relationship and it was a summer time romance. He lived in Denver during the school year. I lived in a small farm town in Nebraska. Maybe that is why it was so easy.

The other day I was thinking about my high school sweetheart and I realized that we had given each other a gift in the relationship. The gift of freedom. We weren’t married and we didn’t act like we were.

I wondered how I could replicate that in my current relationships.

In the recent past I dated a man for several years who said he had wanted to marry me from the first date.  He failed to buy a ring or propose. Yet I was held to a commitment level that even my married girlfriends did not have to give their husbands.

I created a new term to describe this kind of relationship. The term is “pseudo marriage.”

He wanted to be exclusive from the start.

I just wanted my freedom.

I continued to date other men during the first six months of our relationship and then finally gave in.

He had a lot of good qualities and one of them was that he was very good to my children. I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of my children and his supposed happiness.

He kept talking about marriage but after four and a half years of talking he hadn’t produced a ring.

I finally confronted him about this. During the confrontation I realized  what he wanted me to give up to be with him was more than I was willing to give.

I broke up with him on that day and have not regretted that decision.

He just recently sent me a marriage proposal close to a year after I broke up with him.  I wanted to tear the letter into a million tiny pieces.

After much reflection I wondered how I could construct my future relationships in a different manner.  I decided that I needed to be honest and frank with men from the start.

The quality of men whom I have dated  deserve that. They have all been amazing.

So I have a frank talk with men on the first or second date, dictating the terms of the relationship. They have the right to enjoy my company and spend time with me. I guarantee it will be fun.

I retain the right to date other men. If I fall in love with them and they with me then we can talk about being exclusive.

I may even entertain a talk about marriage.

I have recently started dating a man who is a kind and considerate gentleman. I gave him the talk on the first date. I told him I was not going to be exclusive right away and I wasn’t desperate to get married.

Then I asked him what he was thinking, He said with a charming smile, “well, that takes a lot of pressure off of me.”  Upon hearing this my face broke into a huge grin.

As much as I fight it, I am yearning  to walk into the same trap with this man . I realize that I have given him the right to date other women.  I also realize that I can enjoy the same freedom.

We don’t check up on each other. We don’t call each other every day. We merely enjoy the time that we spend with each other

. It is a relationship that can breathe freely and I am taking deep breaths.

Sometimes freedom is the greatest gift you can someone.  If you allow someone the freedom to walk away and they choose not to, isn’t that greater love than forcing them to stay when they want to walk away?

PS – You will not find pseudo marriage in the dictionary. It is a term I created and yes it is copyrighted. 😉


MISTRESS-WHICH BASE IS SHE PLAYING?

I have had several friends over the years who have had affairs with married men. I tried to understand why they had made that choice. They were young. They should have been looking for a husband who they could start a family with. What was it that made them want someone unavailable?

In one of the cases the man was higher up in the company that my girlfriend was. Did it help her in her career?

Another one got involved with a coworker. He ended up leaving his family for her and living off of her income after he got fired.

Another one was a friend of a friend. The mistress was a flight attendant, the man a pilot. The affair had lasted a very long time. By the time I met her she was old, unattractive and desperate.  I couldn’t imagine her being attractive to anyone at that point in time. The pilot had used up her cute years and she had freely given him that right.

I was newly divorced when I was approached by a married man. I was a nurse and working in a nursing home. The doctor who was the medical director started taking a fancy to me. He started rubbing up against me in a patient’s room. It was a very uncomfortable situation to be in.

He had a reputation for having several girlfriends in addition to a wife. I tried to avoid him. One day when I was charting he sat down next to me and he started becoming “handsy”. He said, “if this is bothering you, let me know.”

I looked at him and said, “You have a wife and a girlfriend. You aren’t ever going to have me because I don’t play second or third base. I play first base or nothing at all.”

He removed his hand and we remained professionals which is all we should have been to start with.

if you are a mistress to a married man, I hope you realize you are playing either second or third base. Every woman deserves first base. If you do get to first base with a married man, it is a stolen base. What is stolen once can always be stolen again.

TRIALS OF A TEENAGER IN TODAY’S WORLD

I used to get emails from one of my older friends. They were emails which glorified her generation. In comparison they demeaned the teenagers of today.

I respected this lady, so I didn’t tell her how offended I was. I was angered by the emails. I restrained from writing a vicious rebuttal because this lady had been so very kind to me when I worked with her.

The response has been simmering within me for more than a few years.  I would like to share my response with the wonderful readers of my blog.

My response is a follows:

I  think teenagers of today have so many challenges that they are facing. They are rising up and facing them with more intelligence and fortitude than any generation in history.

The generation which is now elderly has failed.

That  generation parented  the free love, sex and rock and roll generation of the sixties. The sixties threw sexual purity, drugs and immorality into the wind, hoping that a thunderstorm of consequences would not brew in the wake.

Drugs have become more than an addiction problem due to the passivity of these parents. Drugs are an avenue to abuse, suicide and mass murder now.

This generation, which considers themselves so righteous, has allowed Hollywood to transform from an industry which was entertaining and wholesome, to an industry which is vile and disgusting. Now we not only have to worry what kids watch on television but also what they may be viewing on the internet.

They have stood by and watched companies contaminate creation for the discovery of oil and gas and have not protested. It was not their water which was poisoned or their beach which was covered in oil. Why should they be concerned? They needed their RV’s and SUV’s filled with gas.

They complain that our children have no morality. Wasn’t it this generation who allowed prayer to be forbidden in school?

The ten commandments rank as the ten best rules  for morality yet children are not taught these fundamentals in school. This in itself could change the course of our nation.

They have allowed the theory of evolution to be taught as fact even though it is only a theory and NOT a scientific law. It, in fact, contradicts many scientific laws.

Creation is considered a fallacy. Then they wonder why children today have a difficulty believing in their God?

The one thing that this generation has done well is to unite in protection of their entitlements. They traipse to the doctor for test after needless test, misusing medicare funds and demand to have social security benefits so that they can sit around and watch TV. (Who else would watch Jerry Springer and Judge Judy?)

This generation has done nothing to give the children of today the gift of faith or morality, yet they have the audacity to judge them for their failure.

I find that the teenagers of today are a wondrous and imaginative generation.

They are intelligent and resourceful.

They have survived, and for the most part thrived, even with two parents working and little family time.

Drugs are still a temptation but they are educated and know the consequences.

The majority of them look in amazement at the pitiful role models, such as Kim Kardashian, Brittaney Spears and Miley Cyrus and shake their heads. They may be idols that Hollywood has produced but these kids are smart enough to know that they would never in their life act crazy like that.

We have failed them in so many ways yet they still strive and survive, knowing that due to greed of their grandparents, they will have to work much harder than generations of old.

The generations of old have committed many sins. The consequences will linger.

The largest of these may be their selfish pride and judgement of future generations for the sins that they have committed.

IT TAKES ONE WOMAN TO WRECK A FAMILY

It can happen so easily. The “other woman” slides into marriage on the heels of compassion. She is the husbands’ “confidant.”

Soon the man  chooses to discuss the difficulties of his marriage with this woman.  The woman is understanding and comforting, not angry and stubborn like his wife.  His marriage continues to deteriorate.

Does this marriage have a chance? Not much of one. The logic in this technique of marriage repair is flawed.

Would you get a broken window fixed by talking to your neighbor about it, doing nothing to repair the break?

Then why would you talk to another person of the opposite sex about problems that only you and your spouse can solve?

Meanwhile the “other woman” is fluffing her feathers. Thinking how great she is compared to your nasty wife. She is just listening, showing compassion, providing a shoulder for you to cry on. I mean, what is wrong with that?

Then temptation comes knocking at the door.  The emotional affair becomes physical. The sex is fantastic and addictive.

Meanwhile his marriage is crumbling. Why?  He has emotionally, intellectually and  physically detached from his wife.

A person can not love two people equally. One will always win out.

The “other woman” fancies herself to be the savior of this man. She can solve his problems and make his world wonderful.  All of his problems originate from the person he chose to marry.

As far as I know, there is only one savior, Jesus Christ. Unless you are God’s son and  willing to die on a cross, you just don’t have that kind of power.

The other problem is, you can not find a positive solution to a problem using the devil’s remedy. The devil is negative, sin has consequences and karma will come back to get you. I guarantee it.

So how do you avoid wrecking a family? You refrain from the first step. Do NOT become a married man’s confidant.

As a single mother, who is considered to be somewhat attractive, I have made it a point to set firm and clear boundaries with husbands.

I will not waste my time hearing a man whine about his wife. Go to a counselor, that is what they get paid for.

If you say anything regarding my friend, who happens to be your wife, which is in any way demeaning or questionable I will take her side.

If you think you can go behind her back and see me. I will tell you the truth. “No, not a chance in hell I would do that, and your number will be blocked from my phone, so don’t try it again.”

There are so many women and men who are devastated by the break up of their marriage. It only takes one person to wreck a family and likewise, it only takes one to protect a marriage and a family.

It is our choice what kind of person we are. I hope you choose well.


NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND ALMOST LEFT MY CHILD BEHIND

As I have mentioned in a previous post, my youngest son had difficulty learning how to read.

Each year I would go into the ARD meetings and fight for him. The teachers and principal kept wanting to flunk him.

They had no justification to do so. I checked his homework every night and he never had a bad grade.

They even put him in special education. He came home crying when they did that. He said he knew everything that they were trying to teach him when he went to that class.

At the next ARD meeting I had the special education teacher crying.  I demanded that they pull him out of special education.

I couldn’t figure out why they kept wanting to flunk him when he was getting good grades.

Then it dawned on me. They were scared he wouldn’t pass the TAKS test.

They were worried about their ratings. The ratings were more important to them than my child.

I had observed this child from the time I gave birth. He was brilliant, but his brilliance was in technology, not reading.

He could barely walk when he figured out the VCR. When it would stop working, his older brother, sister and me would sit on the couch and ask him to fix it.

He would toddle up to the box, push a few buttons and it would work perfectly.

Thank God I saw his potential because the teachers didn’t. I demanded that they pass him during the years he struggled. I also tutored him every evening at home.

The first TAKS test he took was in third grade. He passed. The teacher said I had been right all along.

Like I didn’t know that? This was my son, I knew him better than anyone.

He is now a senior in high school, a member of the National Honor Society and has a 4.3 GPA.

If they had flunked him and kept him in special education, he may have doubted the brilliance that I saw in him.

I don’t think his potential has even been tapped. I have told him his intelligence will explode in college. That is when his mind is going to be challenged and that is when his complex reasoning skills will be used.

The one who knows best what a child can achieve is the parent, not the teachers.  It is our responsibility to advocate for our children in a system which may fail them. Don’t ever underestimate the potential that your child may attain. What others may see as a deficit could blind them to the hidden treasure of brilliance.

ASK A MAN WHY HIS MARRIAGE ENDED IN A DIVORCE AND I BET

Nine times out of ten he blames it on the woman.

That is one of my sifters for men. If they can not admit any guilt in a divorce or a broken relationship I think one of many things…

The first is that the poor sucker is in such deep denial that they can’t see straight.

The second is that they may love to play the victim role, which makes me want to projectile vomit.

The third thing I have learned is to take note of what the ex-wife or ex-girlfriend did wrong. I know, without a doubt, that I will be doing the same thing in the relationship with this man.

You see it all goes back to the famous quote. “Men act and women react.”  If a man is smart enough, he can shape a woman into being the most beautiful and adoring wife ever; by showering her with compliments, tending to her needs and supporting her in her dreams.

Few men are so smart, yet it is within their grasp.

I remember thinking my last long term boyfriend was just so wonderful when I first met him. When he told me that his last girlfriend yelled at him, I was incensed. How could she yell at this wonderful man? She must have been crazy.

As the relationship matured I realized that he was hypersensitive to tone of voice. I had to make sure that everything I said to him was said in a very sweet loving tone.

It got so bad that during one phone conversation he was screaming the words, “you’re yelling at me!” Problem was, I wasn’t yelling. I had remained calm not raising my voice one decibel. He was the crazy nut who was screaming.

By the time I broke up with him I had totally exonerated the former girlfriend from the “crazy” category and put him in it.

Just recently I met a man who has been divorced for three years. When he poured out his heart to me about the pain that he had went through in his divorce, I noticed something very unusual. He mentioned things that he wished he would have done differently. I admired his honesty and as I get to know him more the admiration just grows.

Girls if you are dating don’t throw the ex-wife or ex-girlfriend under the bus until you have been in the relationship for a few years.  Remember that men act and women react and in due time you may become just what his ex was.

HOW TO GET YOUR CHILDREN TO KEEP THEIR ROOM CLEAN

My daughter’s room all during high school was a mess. I encouraged her to clean it up. I was ignored. I decided to just let it go. It was her room, if she wanted to live in filth that was her choice, not mine.

She graduated early from high school and soon was moving out to live with her boyfriend.

She took all of the bedroom furniture and left a disaster zone in her wake. Her floor was piled up with a mound of dirty clothes and unfortunately a few of my felines had mistaken it for a litter box. They decided to grace her pile of clothes with brown stinky mementoes.

She told me not to worry about it. I ignored her for a change. (must be a genetic trait – that ignoring characteristic). I tore into those clothes, washed them and put them neatly in her closet. Then I steam cleaned the carpet, cleaned and organized her closet.

Thank God I had done that because in a few short months. I got a call from her. She asked if I could host her, her boyfriend and eight of their coworkers at my house, while they attended a work conference. We agreed on reimbursement terms for food and lodging and I rushed out to buy new furniture for her room.

That week turned into two weeks and by the end of two weeks I was exhausted but I had enjoyed every minute of hosting those wonderful kids. They were all so polite and such good house guests, I felt blessed to have had them in my home.

She traveled around the country working with her boyfriend for two and a half years. Then they both had difficulties with the company and decided to quit.

I got another call. She wanted to boomerang back into my home. I once again made a reimbursement agreement with her and her boyfriend and opened up my front door. The boyfriend only stayed for six months and then they broke up and he moved out.

I was worried for a minute about how she was going to handle the break up. She amazed me. After trying to please a man for over two years she came to the conclusion that it may be a wise decision to please herself. She continued to work full time and take night classes towards her college degree. She reconnected with all of her high school friends and reattached  her social butterfly wings

Then she got the bright idea to redecorate her room. (You are probably thinking that this story does not have a point about keeping rooms clean but hold on, partner, I am getting to the point soon, very soon).  She painted the room the most beautiful shade of lilac purple.  She went on Pinterest to get ideas and made herself a jewelry holder out of an antique frame, cork board, nails and a swatch of purple lace. She also created a bulletin board to put on the wall above her desk. Then she bought a painting from France, framed it and placed it above her nightstand. bordered her bed with two candle holders and another painting that she still has to frame yet. (The point is coming, really, be patient dear). 🙂

I have snuck up to her room several times to admire the beauty of it and there is one thing that has amazed me more than the beauty. The room is clean, not just picked up and tidied, no, it is sterile clean. Immaculate would be the term that best describes it.

I asked her about this change. She said that she felt as if she finally owned her room. It was hers now, not just another room in her mother’s house.  So I am thinking if this is all about ownership, how I can get her to own the kitchen sink, the pantry and the refrigerator?

ARE YOUR WORDS LIKE A RIVER OR A DAM?

All of my life I have fought this monster. The monster is criticism and negativity.

 The monster ate at my soul and tried relentlessly to devour my dreams.  I was surrounded as a child by people who constantly made me feel as if I was lacking.

I found that my husband continued the slaughter of my soul.

I told him once that if he said something nice, he may be amazed at how hard i tried to impress him.  He didn’t, maybe he wasn’t intelligent enough to understand the power of positive influence.

I, on the other hand, felt it a grave sin not to compliment someone. Criticism of another was something which I did only to defend myself and that was if all other avenues had failed.

Sometimes my kindness harmed me, because instead of being honest with people, I would stuff all of my sarcastic comebacks down my throat. Then the people would continue in their verbal abuse of me because I didn’t let them know how wrong they were to use words which hurt.

I am learning to put my armor up against people who are unkind and misuse the power of words. I am doing this not only to protect myself but also to help them grow and become a better person.

A recent example was at my nephew’s wedding reception. The reception was a fabulous affair, beyond elegance, and I wanted to look amazing.

I had a beautiful dress and it showed off my tan and toned legs. I had been careful not to display my cleavage, I knew that would raise the ire of my mother and sister.

When I first walked into the room I checked on my niece and her boyfriend. I felt as if her boyfriend may feel a bit out of place within the midst of relatives. I walked up to him and greeted him. He said “You look like a movie star.” Love that boy!

Then I walked by my a close family member’s  table and I heard, “That dress is too short.” I looked back and told the person she “was being rude.” She said it again. I repeated the fact that that was a rude comment to make.

This person  came and sat by me later and said that I did look wonderful, which was her way of apologizing, I guess. This was one of the first times in my life that I have fought back against a  critical and demeaning spirit.

It felt good. I wish I had done it sooner. i wish we all had. If we had, then maybe this person would not continue to use words to wound her those whom she claims she loves.

Many times she has wisdom to share, for she is wise in many ways. I wish she was wise enough to know that the avenue of criticism is a treacherous path if you want to reach a person’s heart.

I was reflecting on this as I was communicating with one of my guy friends on OKCupid. He is a writer and highly intelligent. We have a history of being each other’s confidants and encouragers. Today he thanked me for the kind words I had just sent him and I told him that the river flows both ways.

Then I started thinking…

Words which are kind are like a river, they nurture dreams and goals. They feed the soul. The give life to a parched and dreary land of desperation.

Words which are negative are like a dam. They can kill a dream, defeat the most loftiest of goals and they can starve a soul.  The land adjacent to criticism is cracked, dry and devoid of life as if in a drought.

Be careful which words you speak. In the Bible it says that we will be held accountable for every careless word which we speak. God created most of the universe by speaking it into existence. It was only Adam and Eve which he formed with his hands. If the universe was spoken into existence, the logical conclusion may be that words have enormous power.  Let us all seek to use them wisely to build, not tear down, another human.

A special thanks to my dear friend on OKCupid for the inspiration of kindness, which nurtured my mind to write this post. You are beyond wonderful.