The nightmare exploded onto the scene of my life about 7-8 years ago.
The dream occurred soon after I had decided to rewrite my entire novel.
In the nightmare I had died and there appeared to be some mystery as to the cause of my death. I was looking down at my lifeless body lying on a table and they were about ready to cut my spinal cord open.
I remember thinking,”Ouch, that is gonna hurt!” Then I thought, “Wait a minute, I am dead I can’t feel anything.” And then in the afterlife I giggled a bit at the absurdity of my thought process.
The next realization dropped into my consciousness like a bomb. I had failed to accomplish what I had been placed on earth to accomplish. I had failed to finish my novel and this was of great chagrin to my God.
I can not tell you how heavy the weight of eternal guilt is but it is far more than I can bear.
That nightmare has been like a ghost haunting every second that I live. I have already written 400 pages of the rewrite.
I have shared parts of it with a dear friend of mine who has eaten up every word as if it is a delectable dessert.
I have told other friends of mine about it and they have begged me to finish it yet it still remains a work in progress.
Each day I wake up knowing that I have a calling from God, which I have not fulfilled.
It is a horrible reality to live within the crushing presence of guilt. So I brought this to my heavenly Father. I confessed that some days I just didn’t feel like writing.
I didn’t mean to be rebellious.
I can easily blog every day, but writing a novel is entirely different.
Blogging is like learning how to skip through a meadow. Writing a novel is similar to learning how to dance like a ballerina… on a stage of hot coals.
Besides, if this dream was prophetic and I wasn’t going to finish the novel, then why was I even trying?
I begged God to give me understanding and He took me back in the vault of my memories to what happened soon after this dream.
In close proximity to this dream I encountered the most vile attack of the devil. I had my finances destroyed, my heart broken and some very special relationships almost completely severed. It was such a horrific battle that I contemplated forsaking my God. I also considered taking my own life.
The only thing that kept me tethered to this life was my unfinished novel. I knew I could not commit that horrible act of rebellion against God because I had not fulfilled my calling to finish this novel.
Yet it has been seven long years that I have been working on the rewrite and ten years working on the original manuscript.
Surely God is upset with my delay….
No, He isn’t.
Just this last week, He confirmed that He was fully in step with me on this journey. In Bible study, my good friend, David Roberts, threw out a morsel of wisdom. He mentioned the fruits of bitterness which gave me an idea as to how to better describe one of my characters.
There have been some other changes which the Holy Spirit has thrown into the mix also. I believe that God does not want me to carry guilt every day, although that is the first thing I clothe myself with every morning.
I think He enjoys working with me on this project and doesn’t need it to be rushed. Something about eternity renders impatience an impossible characteristic to grasp.
The nightmare accomplished its purpose. In some strange way it gave me resolve to keep fighting to win the battle that had been set before me.
It is ironic that the novel I am penning has to do with spiritual warfare. In the process of sharing how my character won the battles that she encountered I,too, am learning how to win mine.