Sometimes being true to oneself is the most difficult path to tread when you are on the avenue of love. It is such a pleasant idea to have someone love you but the reality of love can, at times, be very complex.
It is extremely difficult when you have a passion or calling on your life to become something greater than the relationship which so nurtures you.
There are times when a love can pull at your last string and seem to be capable of unraveling the tapestry which you have so yearned to leave the world.
I must be mindful that they have their own idea of what my tapestry of life should look like. It may be our differing perspectives which lend so much tension to our love.
It is not that you don’t love the other person but on occasion, they can seem to be an interruption. They are needy, insecure and require constant reassurance in one moment and in the next, they are everything you could ever ask for.
Those of you who have followed my blog for any amount of time know that I have labored for many years to complete a rewrite of a novel.
The ghost of this novel is like a nagging Jewish mother constantly berating me for not spending more time penning the plot.
You may also be aware that I have had a very complex relationship with one man which has been the source of great ire in one moment and intense love in the next.
I love both my writing and this man with my whole heart and every single day I feel as if I am betraying either one or the other. It is the most miserable circumstance to endure because guilt has become my best friend.
I realized this morning that I have carried the calling of God on my life to become a Christian writer as a burden, not a blessing.
I have been haunted by a nightmare I had several years ago where I had died and I realized that I had failed to accomplish the novel completion. In the afterlife I was given the realization that this, indeed, was the main reason for my existence on earth.
I know I overthink things way too much.
I surrender with great resistance to anything which may nurture my soul.
I feel as if I need to let go of the hand of guilt, step off the cliff of my own self sufficiency and fall into the embrace of God.
Yet I keep grasping the hand of guilt as I struggle to jump off the cliff.