New post on Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

Can a Narcissist Move On?
by Kim Saeed
These are search terms that come up on my stats page quite frequently. Readers want to know if a Narcissist can move on from their relationships. Honestly, it depends on the depth of their Narcissism and typically depends on one factor:

Whether they left you or you left them.

Narcissists are all about power and control. If they leave you after devaluing and discarding you, they’ve retained the power in their mind, so they can leave the relationship without a second thought.

However, if you left them first, they will go on a revenge campaign that will make you question your very reason for existence. If you happen to have children with them, it’s best to prepare yourself for Dante’s circles of Hell, circa 4-9.

~ Dante’s Inferno Sketch

In fact, their hatred for you will seem as fresh five years down the road as when you first left. There are generally three modes of operation that the Narcissist will engage in after you cut off the relationship.

Stalking and Harassing – The Narcissist will use every tool available to them in an attempt to get you back under their control. There are two main reasons for this. The first being that they want you back because you’ve been excellent supply and they don’t want to lose that. Secondly, it’s very possible that they want to enact the devalue and discard phase so you will be left feeling like the most worthless, vile waste of a human being…ever. To them, revenge is the ultimate victory, especially if your self-esteem is left in scraps in the process.
When it comes to the pathology of a Narcissist, expect anything. They will, and often do, hire Private Investigators in addition to monitoring you themselves. They will attempt to plant spyware on your phone and computer. That’s why it’s important that you don’t let them into your new house or apartment after initiating No Contact…well, that and the fact that you don’t want to give them the opportunity to break your resolve by allowing them to assume their brainwashing techniques.

2. The Smear Campaign – The manifestation of this revenge tactic depends on your circumstances at the time you leave. If you share a wide circle of mutual friends, expect your reputation to be tied to the bumper and left in rags. You will certainly find out who your true friends are during this phase. But don’t be discouraged. The Narcissist has been fooling people in their world for years. In fact, consider yourself enlightened as you are able to peel away people from your life that aren’t as genuine and loyal as they once seemed.

If you don’t share friends at the time you leave, that doesn’t matter to the Narcissist. They will find ways to casually infiltrate into your new social circle in an attempt to plant seeds of doubt. Be on the lookout for the Narcissist being added to the “friends list” of people you have on your own social networking sites. If that happens, delete those people from your list.

3. Harassment through the Court System – If you have children with the Narcissist, expect an ambush. Lies and drama will be the agenda and they will do whatever necessary in an attempt to take away what means the most to you, your children. Not because they care about them, but because it’s the ultimate way to cut you off at the knees.

Their New “Love”

Regardless of how your relationship ended, they will have no qualms about starting a new one with someone else. They will give the appearance that they’ve moved on, but if you left them first, you can bet they are plotting ways to make you pay. This will come across as innocent banter to anyone who listens to them. They have a sly way of discussing you while making it seem they couldn’t care less about you or your new life, but inside their own mind they are seething with hatred and dreams of revenge.

The reason they can acquire a new partner in such a short amount of time is because 1) there is always someone out there who is codependent and waiting for someone to prove their worth to, and 2) the Narcissist cannot survive without supply. Regardless of what it looks like, they are not in love with the new partner. This is sad because Narcissists are so skilled in acquiring new targets that will become the new emotional punching bag. As such, there’s no need to be jealous of the new love in the Narcissist’s life.

Their “Change of Heart”

Often, even when the Narcissist has acquired a new source of supply, they will still come around from time-to-time. The reasons for this vary depending on the Narcissists’ pathology. However, it’s important to remember that if your Narcissist has a new partner, yet returns to your door, it has nothing to do with love, but can include the following:

They want to ascertain that they still have control over you and your mind. This assures them that you are still in cue in case you can benefit them later.
They remembered they have a few late bills that need to be paid, and need to create the illusion that they care about you so they can cry on your shoulder in order for you to bail them out.
They want to make you feel badly about yourself, so they convince you to let them back in, only to tear you down even more. An example of this would be their getting you to be intimate with them, only to call you “slut” and “whore” and leave you in tears afterwards.
The new supply is somehow out-of-service, but the Narcissist needs a fix. You know how sometimes you might find yourself craving chocolate pie, but the only thing in the house is a Snickers bar, so you settle on eating it? Or, you really want Italian food, but the restaurant is too crowded, so you have to settle for the Mexican place across the street? Yeah, it’s like that.
You are their property and they will do whatever necessary to make sure you don’t start a relationship with someone else. If you do, expect them to attempt to destroy it.
As you can see, the Narcissist typically doesn’t move on. If someone is out of their life for good, it’s because the other person chose that, not the Narcissist. Granted, there are cases where the Narcissist moves on, but it’s typically if they were the ones to leave a relationship first. It means they have found other sources of sufficient supply, which include the new partner, as well as new sources of side-supply. More importantly, they have completely destroyed their former target financially, emotionally, and on the soul-level and the target cannot possibly be of further use to the Narcissist.

The real question here is…can you move on? Can you let go of the abuse; of the toxic relationship and rise above it all? Can you choose your own happiness over someone that will never love you? Can you overcome any codependency issues you might have and realize your own worth? Can you let go of the fear and surrender yourself to God and the Universe? Can you close the door to heartache and open a new door to your authentic self?

I believe you can. But you have to start by making the choice. After that, everything else will fall into place.

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