There are many things I have received from my parents for which I am truly grateful. They took me to church almost every Sunday. They taught me how to manage my money so that I would not favor debt. They have even shared financial blessings with me on occasion.
However, when I left home, I left home with a lot of emotional baggage. My parents have a very dysfunctional relationship. Something had happened in their marriage which caused my mother to have a nervous breakdown. According to my aunt she spent a year so depressed she couldn’t get out of bed.
When she finally did get out of bed she grabbed the hand of bitterness, anger and unforgiveness to give her the energy to keep living.
I remember her crying a lot when I was a little girl. That always bothered me. One thing I noticed early on though. She was never bothered if she made me cry. She could be pretty mean at times and then turn around and ask for a hug the very next moment. (kind of crazy right?)
She seeded suspicion of men into my heart. She also complained relentlessly about my Dad. She would scream and yell at the least little thing that went wrong.
My childhood was quite unsettling to say the least.
The relationship that I am in currently is with a wonderful man who initially turned me into a replica of my mother. I complained about him all of the time. We would get into arguments and break up quite frequently.
The weird thing about it is that when I complained to people about this man my voice would change and I sounded like my mother. I, of course, attributed that to him and how he treated me.
I kept breaking up with him because something just didn’t feel right. I thought it was all his problem.
Until we got back together again and I realized my mother’s bitterness was working through me to attack this man. I was carrying the generational curse of unforgiveness that my mother had exposed me to all of the years of my childhood.
While we were apart my boyfriend would pray for me. When I was so ugly to him the Holy Spirit would comfort him and tell him “that was not who I really was.” He would bring to the forefront of his mind some of the wonderful memories we had created together.
The whole thing about generational curses is that they are passed down through generations that “hate God.” https://www.gotquestions.org/generational-curses.html
Well, anyone that knows me knows that straight off I love God. I mean I really LOVE HIM! So why was I carrying a curse?
Because I chose to. I lugged around the baggage full of bitterness, unforgiveness and anger for the majority of our relationship.
Don’t be deceived, my boyfriend is not perfect. He has issues to work through also but he is working on them with the Holy Spirit. My complaining about him didn’t help him work out his issues one bit. It was all Jesus.
So now, if I feel anger or unforgiveness creeping into my heart and mind I take those feelings to Jesus and ask him to help me sort through it. I have decided to stop carrying the emotional baggage of my mother.
Frankly if I choose to keep carrying her baggage I will keep lumbering down the path of heart ache.