In my former post regarding my errant set of teeth I poked fun at my panic over a tooth infection. I do not mean to minimize the importance of taking care of one’s teeth. I have learned through this experience that I should have gone to an endodontist the minute my right molar abscessed and when my left molar started to hurt just a slight bit I should have sprinted towards Mr. Young’s practice and barged through the door, demanding their first available appointment.
What I didn’t mention was something very unusual that happened in my car when I was parked in front of the endodontist that my insurance covered. I was looking at the CLOSED sign through blinding tears when a feeling entered my being. I was smack dab in the clutches of fear when insidiously I knew that this would not be the obstacle that defeated me. My mind cleared of fear and I started thinking logically; then the thought occurred to me that my former dentist, Dr. Young, may not be closed.
I have meditated on this moment and prayed about it. It was amazing that in a moment, fear turned into clarity and courage. This change led me to the solution to my problem. As I have pondered this moment I know it was a God moment.
I used to hear God speak and then He stopped speaking to me. I become despondent over this because I love hearing the voice of God more than I love hearing a bird sing on a bright spring morning. I love the tender whisper of God more than a melodic symphony. I told Him I missed hearing his soft whisper.
Then I realized He had stopped speaking to me because he had become so close to me that he was beginning to interweave His thoughts into mine. So I started telling my friends about my “God thoughts”. I didn’t actually hear them but I knew they had not originated within my mind. It was as if a thought entered my mind but the origin of the thought was outside of my mind and it was always something good.
Yet the morning that I had my debacle with my teeth and the minute i knew that fear had lost it’s grip was different. I didn’t hear God speak, nor was it a thought, it was a feeling. As I continued to search God for understanding I realized I have had this feeling before. When I have prayed unceasingly over someone else’s welfare, there have been times when I know within my heart that God has heard and the prayer will be answered. It is what I felt when my mother told me that my brother had had a horrible accident and had broken his neck. I knew God had this covered from the moment the accident happened.
Sometimes it helps me to identify something by finding a word which describes it. The word which describes the feeling I felt on that tragic morning when my mouth was screaming in pain and my mind had been captured by the claws of fear is the word, Faith. Somehow in the darkest of times God reached through all of my fears and insecurities, shattering my limited concept of self and pulled me to Him, infusing my heart, soul and mind with His greatness.
Words can not describe my gratefulness for a God such as this, it is a feeling instead… A feeling of complete adoration and humility, knowing that without Him, I would be a cowering mess of confusion and fear.