I was looking forward to seeing this movie. I had been enticed by the trailers.

I could not have been more disappointed.

The movie was pornographic throughout the majority of the film. The profanity was excessive.

I kept waiting, thinking that the story would get better. It didn’t.

The plot and the story line were very weak.

Leonardo DiCaprio was good in his portrayal of Jack Balford but even the best actor can not make a story better if the story is not good to begin with.

The only consolation I had was that I went to a matinee and didn’t spend full price on the film. I wish I would have waited till it was at the dollar theater, or better yet that I didn’t see it at all.

It was worthless in content, plot dynamics and story creation.


I wasn’t sure how yesterday was going to turn out but it was a day of laying down weapons. I prayed in the morning seeking God’s peace and He was gracious enough to give it.

During the day we looked through pictures from my sons childhood. My oldest son said he had a wonderful childhood. As a mother it is nice to hear that.

Then we had lunch and I heated up some barbecue from my friend, David. The barbecue received rave reviews. “This is amazing. This is perfect and this is good” were the statements made by my sons regarding the barbecue.

In the afternoon I had to drive my son to work and in the evening my other son and I watched a movie on the Blue ray player they gave me for my birthday.

Before the movie my son and I made peppernuts which are miniature spice cookies that is a recipe passed down from my ancestors.

All in all it was a pleasant day. I want to express gratitude to those readers who interceded in prayer for me.

I was getting to a point where I thought God may not be listening to my prayers anymore. It is good to know He is still there.

My son said another comment in the evening. He said he would always love me even if I continued with the lawsuit against his father.

I hope that is true because I know I will always love all of my children.


My two teenage boys became emissaries of their narcissistic dad yesterday and attacked me with disrespect, dishonor and maybe even hate.

He has them wrapped around his little pinkie asking them to make this short vacation with me a living nightmare.

I had planned to take them to go see the Stockyards and maybe take them out to a movie. That didn’t happen.

The only fun thing we did all day was to have breakfast with my friend, David, and then it was full on attack, with me being the target.

As soon as we were driving home they started to tell me that taking their dad back to court for the child support he had cheated me out of was a bad thing to do.

My oldest son said if I won the case he would never talk to me again. Considering how he talked to me yesterday, that may be a blessing if that is my reality.

My other son said he would not come to see me anymore. That is his choice at this point in his life.

If he could choose to go live with his dad at 14 years old I don’t think he should be forced to visit his mother when he is 17 years old.

My oldest son asked me if I loved him. I didn’t respond because I knew the question was a trap.

I have born both boys naturally,

I have raised them as good as I know how.

I have provided a stable home, cooking them nutritious meals.

I have taken them to church. I have testified as to God’s work in my life.

I have encouraged them in every worthwhile endeavor that I saw them embrace.

I have not abused them, nor have I tolerated others abuse of them.

I have given them money and done without many things so that they could have things which they did not need. What more could I do to show love?

In the evening they hovered around me as I was planning to go out to see a movie and possibly meet a friend.

I think they were expecting me to cry. I had cried a great deal during the day but did it behind closed doors.

In the evening my youngest son said I had changed from what I used to be.

They are right I have changed.

I have realized if you don’t fight back against an abuser you enable the abuse to continue.

My lawsuit against their dad is not one of revenge it is one of justice. It is also the first time I have been overtly aggressive against him.

I am coming to the conclusion that the person that I must love more than any other is me, not them.

I will always love my children. The question should have been if they loved me.

It remains to be seen whether they can love me when I am learning to love myself.



I was looking  forward to today. I imagined a fun day with my two sons. The morning was fun but the afternoon was spent in silence.

In the morning I took my sons to go see my good friend, David. He testified to my sons about what God had done in his life. I enjoyed the breakfast with him and he gave my sons a lot to think about.

On the way home my oldest son started to argue with me about the legal action I was taking against his father. I told him I didn’t want to discuss the situation.

He kept at me, telling me that if I was successful his father would have to foreclose on his house.  His father has more than one house so I am not sure which one he was referring to.

Then a little later in the conversation he had with himself, because I was not responding, he said that I didn’t need my house.

Really? Like he would enjoy having Christmas at the homeless shelter next year?

He went on and on attacking me with words. Asking me to fight back with the same weapon. I chose not to engage. I have done so in the past and I find that I usually defer to profanity when I am frustrated. I am trying to work on that weakness in my life and I knew that I would also raise my voice which I saw as a counterproductive strategy.

Then he asked me if I loved him. I remained silent. I don’t think the question should be if I loved him but if he loved me.

I know this legal battle is difficult for my children to go through but it is something I feel that I must finish.

I don’t know if I will win or not but I have a lot riding on it and this is a fight for justice and a fight against discrimination.

I have been trampled on by the court system, deceived by the legal profession and mistreated and abused by their father. At some point I finally had taken enough and decided to fight back.

I know that my children loved me when I was the victim of this injustice. It remains to be seen if they will love me as a less of a victim and more of a victor.

I don’t know that they are capable of seeing clearly because their father has painted their window in life through the viewpoint of his narcissism and is now playing the role of a possible victim.

Today was a victory for me though in that I chose to hold my tongue. The Bible ways that if you can bridle your tongue you have control over your whole body. I did well in that regard.



In John 2:13-21 Jesus was furious that there were people profiting in the temple of God. He braided a cord and went after all of the money changers with zeal for God’s house.

This is the only time that I am aware that Jesus got physically violent. He desires that when we enter the temple of God we do so with one thing on our mind which is worship.

After he did this the Jews asked him for a sign. He had a unusual reply. “Destroy this temple and in three days I will raise it up.”

In that statement Jesus referred to himself as the temple of God. If we then invite Jesus into our hearts are we not the same?

It is so easy to go to church on Sundays and walk out of church and back into our sinful selves.

Is it as easy to walk in sin if we consider ourselves the actual temple of God?  If we truly have the Spirit of God within us I believe we should walk in worship every second of the day because His temple resides within our hearts.

I recently happened upon a thought provoking movie called “Stigmata” which is a movie about the book of Thomas. The book of Thomas is a gospel that was not released but in it Jesus said He desired our worship to be from our hearts and He did not require a building to be worshipped.

Church has become a corporate enterprise in America.

It has excluded the homeless, the prostitutes and the drug addicts. As a single mother I have become invisible and discarded by churches.

God had told me to go to a church which did not do this to single mothers but I rebelled and went to churches that treated me as if I was chaff.

I know though that God has not discarded me. He continues to show me love and has surrounded me with loving family and friends who show His love to me in such great abundance.

We have become so complacent in the walls of our churches that we fear to walk among the sinners with the love that God has for His lost sheep.

I am not saying to stop going to church. I love my church with a deep and passionate love.  All I am saying is to remember that church is not the temple of God. The temple of God resides in your heart.

Please give me your feedback on this post. My intention with every post is to touch hearts for God and to encourage people to seek Him and love Him with a greater love than ever before. If that is done then I know that the love will spill over to the lost sheep.


I remember reading my children the story of creation when they were just little tykes.  I read through the story with ease but I stopped when I looked at the picture of Adam and Eve as they were exiting the Garden of Eden.

They were standing on a hill, hand in hand, Eve’s hair was blowing in the wind and they actually looked happy.

I started crying. My children asked me why I was crying and my reply was, “Eve has Adam and Adam has Eve, but who does God have?”

“No one.”

The very beings which He had created to fellowship with and enjoy had betrayed him. That must have sliced Him right through His heart.

Yet the first thing that God did for Adam and Eve was to slaughter an animal and sow them proper clothes to hide their shame.

That act astounds me and I think He may have sown His tears into the animal skin coverings.

Then He chose to come to earth through His son, Jesus. He was born in a stable of all places. This is God we are talking about, someone who came from heaven.

He chose a family that was a working family  to be raised in.

When he started to minister he ministered among those who had been cast out and were not church goers.

It seemed the only sin he could not tolerate was that of self-righteousness and pride. I think it may have touched a tender spot in His heart to see someone thinking that they had the right to judge others.  That is His right alone.

He ministered to and hung out with the sinners. He really couldn’t stand the “religious” bunch. I am just guessing but I think He may feel the same about the right wingers in this country. I know I am so over them.

He had a clique – they were called His disciples. They had to give up everything including their lives to follow Him.  I bet they were all a lot of fun to hang out with.

After riding on a donkey and getting heralded as someone pretty near famous the populace turned on the Son of God and crucified Him. Yet there was one plea at the end. The plea for forgiveness.

The common thread running  through creation, Christmas and crucifixion is love. God’s story of love is not finished yet nor will it ever be for eternity has no end.

We have a great event to anticipate if we are His children. This is the second coming of Christ. I see Him on the horizon and I pray that everyone who is drawn to my blog would cleanse their hearts from sin so that they can love like God does. For it Is my wish to see each and every one of you in heaven. If I can get there I am sure most anyone can.

I would also wish that everyone would turn their hearts to God and love Him with all your heart. Then let that love overflow to others, blessing them instead of cursing them and loving even those who are downcast, homeless and outcasts.

This is what my Christmas wish is this year.  Merry Christmas everyone!


I am a different kind of girlfriend. That may be why I have not landed a mate yet.

Whenever I go on dates I analyze the person I meet and try to figure out exactly what God needs me to do in the relationship.

One thing He doesn’t need me to do is to take my clothes off. The other thing I refuse to do is demean or devalue the last girlfriend or wife that the man is trying to get over. I try not to open up the door to being a psychoanalyst but sometimes these men just are so in need of some Christian counseling that I want to give them the business cards of my friends who are in that business.

I also do not pick up the tab. I expect the man that I marry to be in a position where he can pay the bills and whatever I make will be the added blessing. To pay the tab on a date is to put on a front that I am not willing to continue in marriage.

Lately I have dated two men who are still in love with their former wives. They are both attracted to my looks and my figure but I am standing true to God’s principles for dating and I have resisted any physical involvement.

Although one of them is going through the process of divorce and the other one is fresh out of a divorce I feel that crossing the line into intimacy would not only be fornication but also adultery. It would be messing with their heart when their heart had not healed yet. Who knows what the fall out would be for my heart.

This morning I had to keep standing my ground with the latest man. He finally backed down. I will continue to see him because for a change he builds me up and is very encouraging to me. I am usually the one who is constantly doing that and it is nice to have someone return the favor.

I find that when the physical intimacy barrier is crossed without having the heart healed and the proper commitment in place it does so much harm to both people. If marriage is in the future for them there will be plenty of time for intimacy when that happens. If it is not in the future then they shouldn’t be doing it in the first place anyway.

Sex is more than just a feeling and/or a possible orgasm. It should be an expression of love and it is important that it honors God who is the origin of love.

I had a man recently  tell me if I wanted to wait until marriage for sex I was not going to get many dates. That hasn’t been the case. I still date frequently but I do so with Jesus’ sacrifice and God’s mandates first and foremost in my mind.

If I want to attract the man that God has for me then why would I choose to walk down Satan’s path to get him?




I met with my friend David the other day and once again he dropped nuggets of wisdom into my lap.

I told him about my daughter’s new boyfriend and what a great relationship they had in comparison to her last boyfriend.

I told him how concerned I was when I saw how her old boyfriend treated her and that I found him very similar to her dad in some of his behaviors and mannerisms.

During the time she was dating him I was dating a man who was very similar to my ex and also my mother. Some good traits were present but a lot more bad traits were apparent.

When I broke up with this last boyfriend I felt such a sense of freedom and relief. I felt as if I could be myself again instead of who he was trying to make me into.

She knew that I was miserable in that relationship. Everyone did, I could not stop complaining about the dynamics of the relationship and I was turning into the exact thing I have hated all of my life. That being my negative and complaining mother.

What amazed me is that my daughter went from a man who was a narcissist to a man who is Prince Charming and a mutual admiration is at work between the two.

I asked David how she could have done that because so few women do.

He said that I broke the generational curse by breaking up with my last boyfriend. That I finally realized that love was about making me happy, not always about making the other person happy at the expense of my own happiness.

Breaking generational curses is a gift of happiness that you can give not only to your children but theirs also. It just keeps on giving.




There are many people who think therapy can heal a broken heart. The unwrapping of your life to reveal all of the wounds of childhood does help some people.  Looking through the broken window of your past does not seem to me to be a good way to see the light in your future.

Many think that if they just find the right partner all will be better again. Partners can make life better, but they can also make the wounds deeper at times.

Success is a great bandaid for a broken heart but I know some successful people who were cruel to the people who helped them achieve their success.. It seems that cruelty would be a outcome of a heart not properly healed.

Wisdom is different that psychology, it is not exciting like the kiss of your partner but it can take your breath away.

The times that I have searched God for wisdom are the times when I have felt the power of healing in my heart. The counsel of the Holy Spirit has exposed the deep seated motivations for the behaviors which I have, which harm me and others.

It is this which I consider worthy to heal my heart. Nothing else has come close to the counsel of the Holy Sprit.

I hope that all of you seek God this Christmas and draw close to Him so that He can give you the gift of a healed heart.


I heard about the book, Fifty Shades of Grey, long before I read it. I wondered what all of the hoopla was about. Then I borrowed it from my daughter and started reading it.

I found that the male character in the book was somewhat inspirational as far as his mastery of life and also his level of wealth.

I felt that the female character was pitiful and manipulative.

The literary quality of the writing was nauseatingly sub par.

Being of a feministic persuasion I was horrified that so many women found this book to be enticing.

Around this time in my life I dated a couple of men who were into BDSM. The first one swept me off of my feet on the first date. He was handsome, intelligent and could sing and play piano better than Frank Sinatra.

He also explained to me why women find BDSM exciting. He said that the brain can not process pleasure and pain at the same time so when you are in the mode of pleasure and someone introduces pain it goes on the same path as pleasure, increasing it exponentially.

It was only after a couple more meetings and some pretty extensive conversations that I realized what this man was capable of. I came to the understanding that to continue to date this man was to risk being psychologically tortured in his quest for control.

Those of you who know me from reading this blog know I would not tolerate that for a second. I did admire his honesty though. A true abuser would not have exposed his plans prior to brainwashing me into thinking I deserved the psychological abuse.

The next man only hinted at what his fantasies were. We never got to the point were his fantasies became a reality.

I have found that there is something attractive about a man who is dominant but something very manipulative about a man who is into BDSM.

There is a very fine line separating the two entities.

A man who is dominant does not doubt his worth. He knows how to handle himself. He also knows how to respect a woman.

BDSM is abusive and includes no respect.

Although I could not stomach reading any more of Ms. James’ books, my aunt told me that she had a friend who read all three. She said it was a classic expose’ on an abusive relationship and eventually the girl ditched the guy.

I am concerned for the effect this has had on women and the harm this series has done to promote women as capable human beings worthy of respect.

My friend that I mentioned in the previous post said his wife had read Fifty Shades of Grey. I wonder if that was a contributing factor in her decision to return to her abuser? If it was these books may have done harm to many women that are at risk for being abused.

With this in mind I would advise women who have had a history of abuse to avoid reading any of these books or books of this genre.