For those of you who have followed my blog for any amount of time you may be aware that I have struggled to gain clarity regarding a relationship I have had on and off for nine years. I must say this journey has been one in which I have had a change of heart.
This relationship was with a man who said I was the love of his life.
Yet I didn’t know if he was the love of my life.
He kept drawing close and I kept pushing him away.
When we first dated I had confusion as to the importance of sexual purity in a relationship so we fell into sin. There were some wonderful times of intimacy but I knew they were not blessed by God because they were not covered by His covenant of marriage.
I wanted more. I wanted a relationship which put God first. So I kept running… thinking I would find someone who would straighten out the twisted and tortured path to my heart.
He kept running after me; stumbling over the hateful words I threw at him.
I am sure that I hurt him many times in trying to push him away. Yet every time I talked with him he was full of forgiveness. He kept telling me that he loved me.
There was more though. He told me that he read the Bible and prayed every morning for me. He used to turn to alcohol when I pushed him away. Now he was turning to God?
He had lied to me. I can forgive quite a bit but lying is a difficult sin for me to forgive.
I had asked him to stop talking to one woman that he had been friends with. Just one woman and he could not stop talking with her. He told me he would stop talking with her but several years later I found out he hadn’t.
I had a choice. To turn away and hide in my unforgiveness or to seek understanding.
After one of the blog posts I penned on bitterness, I realized what a hypocrite I had become. I had become cold with bitterness towards this man. I asked God to change my heart.
As the veil of bitterness was lifted from my heart I realized that she was the one woman who kept telling him to go after me. She gave me much more validity in his sight than I ever deserved.
She is now getting ready to marry one of his best friends and the Lord has sown a seed of deep love for her in my heart. I am now praying for her and the wounds that I know need healing in her heart.
Yet, I still pushed him away. I accused him of stalking me. I had looked up the definition of stalking and it includes threatening someone. Well, he had never, ever threatened me. I guess in some strange way I felt unconditional love was threatening. I hadn’t experienced anything like it in the past.
So this year he asked me for one last chance. He promised me if it didn’t work he would leave me alone. I agreed, but in my heart, I was just thinking this was a way to get rid of him for good. So I started dating him again.
He helped me bake and decorate Christmas cookies. He not only helped me put up my Christmas tree but also helped me take down all of my decorations and lugged the boxes upstairs even though his knee was hurting so bad he couldn’t bend it. How many boyfriends do that?
Not only did he help me with all of those activities but we had a blast doing them together. He is so much fun!
He has bought me thousands of dollars in gift cards to make sure I have enough to eat. He has never said,”NO” to anything I ask him to buy. He does without so that I can have.
I don’t ever want for anything but many times I beg him not to spend money on me because I don’t want him carrying the burden of debt. He assures me that due to my influence he has learned to budget wisely. I don’t think it has anything to do with me teaching him how to budget. He just does without to spend money on me.
There was one morning when I hadn’t talked with him for a few hours and I started getting scared. Did he really mean it when he said he would walk away this time?
I was terrified. I couldn’t imagine life without him. We had been together for so long. He was my knight in shining armor. Anytime I had difficulties he was the one I would run to.I called him quickly, crying on the phone. I needed to know he was still there for me. Thank God he was.
Then last night we celebrated Valentine’s day. I gave him a gift card to help pay for some of his pet supplies for some of the kitties I have gifted him over the years. I also gave him a gift card to Mardel’s so that he could buy a new Bible. That was one of the few things he had said he wanted. To have a man who values the Word of God is to have a treasure worth more than gold. He is so valuable!
He gave me two boxes of chocolates, a load of gift cards, then he took me out to eat at a very classy french restaurant in Dallas, called St Marten’s. While we were eating I told him that I thought he was the very best. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a box.
It wasn’t an engagement ring but a promise ring. It was the most beautiful ring in the world. He had given me one before but that was before he had devoted his life to serving and worshiping God. This ring symbolized so much more than the first had. This ring symbolizes our need for God first and each other second.
I feel blessed beyond measure to have this man in my life and despite all of my shenanigans and rejection of him I believe he may just be the love of my life also.
It was truly the most remarkable Valentine’s celebration of my life. Thank you so much, Dan, for this one last chance. I don’t deserve it but I hope that someday you will consider it the best decision you ever made. I love you!